Permanent
by RobertDowneyJrLove
Summary: Steve wants Natasha to move in with him, but there's something holding her back. Her past and the haunting words of Loki Laufeyson. It takes some convincing and some reassurance, but by the end, they both find something blissful. And possibly permanent.


It took him three months to work up the nerve to ask her.

In that three months they had expanded upon the boundaries of a couple living in domestic bliss. Actually, they had crossed, broken, and shoved those boundaries until they conformed to the SHIELD Agent standards of domestic bliss. Which meant leaving in the middle of the night, if necessary - her. And not bothering to lock the windows because she'd just break in, anyway in her refusal to use the door - him. It also meant his fridge was fully stocked with what he believed was the entire menu from their favorite Thai restaurant, several choice dishes from Russia courtesy of Natasha, and several types of beer, also courtesy of Natasha.

It had taken him three months to realize why he was so comfortable with this newfound form of domestic bliss. He didn't care that take-out was his nightly meal, or that he hadn't had his home to himself in months. He had come to appreciate the fact that some nights she was there to greet him when he came home and even enjoy the fact that he didn't necessarily know what nights that would be. He loves slipping into bed beside her on nights that she's in bed before him - rarely ever, but there were a few occasions - and feeling her crawl into bed and stretch herself out against his body after a long mission left her feeling exhausted. He just liked having her around.

Now, though, he was ready to make that domestic bliss permanent. Or at least as permanent as possible. He wasn't sure how well it would go as she seemed perfectly content to stay put at SHIELD, but he wanted to change that. He wanted to have her live with him. He wanted her around permanently.

He liked to think he picked the perfect moment to go about it, which probably isn't the truth. Okay, so no, laying in bed after two grueling missions probably wasn't the best way to bring up the subject, but they're both exhausted and he felt a bit brain dead at the moment - for that, he blamed the idiot he had spent the better part of sixteen hours taking down.

She's stretched out against him, warm and soft in a pair of his sweatpants and a tank top, tired from a long day. One of her arms is slung carelessly across his abdomen while the other is buried somewhere underneath them - she would have to readjust that before they fell asleep, he doesn't want to roll over onto her arm - and her head in on his shoulder, face buried in the warm skin of his neck, inhaling the scent of metal, sweat and cologne. He has his arms wrapped around her and his fingers comb through her hair slowly, hypnotically, almost.

"Tasha," his voice was quiet and hoarse with exhaustion - it made him wonder for a moment if she had actually heard it. A soft groan, muffled by his neck, was the only thing that let him know she had heard him. Oh, God bless America. He can't do this. But he has too. He wanted her to live with him so he had too. His throat suddenly felt very dry and he had a feeling if he spoke he was going to sound similar to Kermit the frog - he blamed Tony for knowing Kermit the frog, the man was a child at heart. He swallowed heavily and choked out his question - or maybe that was choked _on_; "I was wondering if you'd like to move in with me?"

Her head popped up, red curls falling in her face only to be huffed away by the breath she directed upward, and her intense green eyes pinned with a scrutinizing glare. Oh. Okay, that made the super-soldier in him cringe a little bit. "Steve," her voice was biting and he wondered where exactly this was going to go. "You want to repeat that?"

"I w-was just, uh, wondering, if you uh -" He felt like that small, little timid kid back in Brooklyn who couldn't save himself from the bullies. This should not have been so hard but it was and when he finally got it out, he felt relieved and like he should have been cowering in a corner; "I was wondering if you'd like to move in here, with me?"

He was unprepared for the tears that glossed her eyes and caught on her eyelashes. She blinked a few times and wiped them away with a quick flick of her wrist. She shook her head and moved away from him as fast as physically possible. Her voice was different when she was spoke; a softer, sadder tone, almost mournful and only one word passed through her plump lips. _"Steve." _

"What? Tasha?" Steve watched her curl herself into a ball on the edge of the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her head buried in his sweatpants. "What's wrong, Tasha?"

"I can't move in here, Steve." Natasha shook her head, holding herself away from him - physically and emotionally. She'd never really been any good at the whole emotion thing. Emotions were always an annoyance, she was taught to avoid. She had never been taught that it was okay to feel and because of that, she never knew what to feel or how to feel it. It elluded her and she guessed that it always would.

"Why?" Steve's voice was a bit more brackish, rough but still tender.

"I just can't, Steve." Natasha mumbled miserably, trying to navigate her way through the maze of emotions winding her head up until she felt like she might actually explode. It pounded relentlessly. Pain. Regret. Bitter, bitter regret. Anger. So much anger, it burned and the guilt of having so much red on her ledger, she couldn't get close to anyone. She was a danger to people, to everyone around her, even him and that hurt her.

She honest-to-God cared for him. So much so, she was starting to believe, she was capable of love. But Loki's words were always in the back of her mind, his mocking reverberation of an unspoken truth. That her ledger was gushing red and there was nothing she could do about it. And it was those words that crippled her, made her believe that she was worthless and incapable of love. She was strong, tough Natasha Romanoff, but on particularly bad days, when those words wriggled and worked their way into the forefront of her mind, she was that helpless little Russian girl again. She was Natalia Romanova, unable to help the life that was forced upon her, but determined to make it despite her circumstances.

"Is this because of what Loki said?" Steve positioned himself behind her, slipping his strong arms around her abdomen, wedging them between her stomach and her legs. Her silence was all the answer he needed. He just nuzzled his face into the back of her neck and pressed a kiss into the soft skin; "Tasha, he was a liar and he was angry. Angry at people who betrayed him and willing to take it out on anyone who might cross his path."

"He still spoke the truth." Natasha told him miserably, craning her neck to look at him over her shoulder. The tears stung her eyes and as much as she would like to hide them, to not let him see her weakness, it's useless. "He still knew."

"And you think that matters to me?" Steve asked her quietly, his thumb drawing faint circles on her stomach. "Tasha, what Loki may or may not know about you and how true that may be makes no difference to me."

"But I can't hurt you, Steve. I can't do that to you." Natasha shook her head vehemently, dragging a tired hand through her hair. Admissions had always been stressful and painful for her. "I don't want to lose you."

"You aren't, Tasha. You aren't going to hurt me or lose me." He couldn't even begin to imagine what it was like for her, to have to weed through emotions and admit your fears to someone. He had always been pretty open and direct and so had she, but she also maintained professionalism. She never shared her personal thoughts and feelings. And really, he couldn't blame her. Letting emotions get in the way of her job could mean her death.

"But I have red on my ledger."

"Tasha, what are you so worried about? I promise you, Natasha, I'm not as pure as you think." He assured her gently, "Captain America is honest and noble, but Tasha, I've fought bad guys that were just as honest. Nothing about taking down a bad guy is pure. We all lose a part of ourselves when we do and whether we like it or not, we're all tainted by what we've done."

"Don't say that because you want me to live with you." Natasha warned dangerously.

"I'm not." He easily picked her up and with a little slightly clumsy maneuvering, worked them into a sitting position against the headboard of his bed. He held Natasha against his chest and resumed combing his fingers through her hair. "Tasha, I don't care what people say about us or the fact that we both have red in our ledgers. I don't care about ledgers, Natasha. I just care about you."

"You do?"

Her surprise made him laugh slightly and press his face into her hair; "Natasha, haven't these last few months proven that?"

"I still..." She trailed off into nothingness, still not quite sure how to express her doubt about their relationship, even after months.

"I know, Tasha." Steve nodded in understanding, kissing her head. Her eyes are a galaxy of green when he finally made eye contact and he found himself slightly mesmerized by the shades of green boring into his own sharp blue eyes - it's the honesty in those sharp eyes that terrified her, but it's the honesty in his voice when he spoke that finally calmed her; "I care about you, Natasha Romanoff. Not your ledgers. Not your past. You. Just you."

"I know." Natasha nodded against his chest. The reassurance that her ledger was the farthest thing from his mind was making itself quite comfortable in her own mind and she was liking the way it fit. It made her feel like herself again, strong and brave but not like a spy, like a woman.

"So, I have a proposition for you." Steve tugged her closer before posing his question, wanting to keep her close, in case she decided to bolt again. "How about you stay here for a week, maybe two and we see how it works out?"

"And if it doesn't?" She knew there was no reason to ask. He wouldn't let anything change them but she wanted to know anyway. She wanted to know that he would still be there, even if they couldn't necessarily live together.

"Then, we tried and you continue living at SHIELD." Steve kept his hold firm and his voice honest and tender. "Nothing will change, Tasha. It doesn't have too. You can stay with me for a week and if it works out, then we'll decide if it we want to make it permanent."

"Steve," She looked up at him, adoration shimmering in her green eyes. "I think I'd like that."

"I think I'd like that too, Natasha." Steve leaned his head down and caught her plump lips in a sweet kiss.

And there were those butterflies, fluttering about in her stomach and it wasn't entirely unpleasant. His muscular frame enveloped her in its strength and warmth, surrounding her with the scent of metal and sweat and cologne that permeated his chest and neck. His arms hold her tenderly and she felt a safety in them that she hadn't felt in years. He listened to her fears and her doubts, he shared his own and together, they rid each other of them. The talk of Loki and of ledgers was forgotten with each caress, with each kiss, and with the tender completion of both of them. There were no exploding stars, no visions of far-flung nebulae or any of that, but there was something else.

There was bliss.

The simple, peaceful bliss of two, slightly broken souls taking refuge in one another and seeking something permanent.

And it was beautiful.

* * *

**Hi! I'm back...for a short time anyway - you can find the whole thing on my profile about why I'm only back for a short time. Anywho, this was a request from Muldoon22 and unfortunately, it was a request made the very week my laptop had been decommissioned by a broken keyboard and a dead charger. I'm so sorry, dearie! I'm back now - thanks to my parents, the life savers. Dad bought and replaced my keyboard and Mom gave me her laptop charger and will keep the new one when it comes in. And unlike my last story, where I was emotionally unstable, I'm pretty stable right now. I've fixed my sleep schedule - it took two doses of Tylenol PM and waking up to the James Bond theme song every morning at the same time to do it but I fixed it! **

**So this story was finished because of the song, 'Trouble' by Ray LaMontagne. Only, in the song, the man is saved by the love of a woman, whereas I had Steve, not necessarily save Natasha, but definitely get rid of some of her doubt! I think, despite her strength, Loki's words to Natasha in the Avengers crippled her in such a way that might prevent her from getting too close to anyone. Especially if she starts to feel like she might love that person. In this case, Steve. **

**Leave me some love, Dolls! **

**Love ya, **

**RobertDowneyJrLove **


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